Do you want "better" or "different'?

Tis’ the season for… resolutions. 

Bad habits, weight loss, career goals, new friends, money, relationship improvement – all are fair game and fodder for the resolution grist mill.  We’ve all made resolutions at one time or another and occasionally achieved some good results from a few of them while most others go by the wayside to repeat on next year’s list.

Resolutions are about “change” (“I want a better result or a better process in my life”) and "commitment" (the motivation to achieve such a change").  Desires for positive change have common threads.  We want to change in meaningful ways that “improve” our inner experiences - thinking patterns, overall feelings, and better behaviors.  An experience of inner peace and happiness. 

A sense of well-being.

Resolutions are seductive and our outcome fantasies seem wonderful, yet we somehow manage not to achieve our desired result.  Come springtime, we are back to our old habits and ways.  Change is hard to implement. Why?

A key answer lies in understanding the contrast between being better and different.

This contrast is what all therapists have to discern with every client who sits on our couches.   It is about true motivation: do I want “better” (meaning “relief”) or do I want “different” (meaning “fundamental change”).

Using the example of an alcoholic: does he/she want relief from alcohol and the unmanageability (consequences) his/her drinking incurs, or does he/she want freedom from alcohol and the peace of mind and stability that sobriety affords. This model is true for resolutions of all types:  quitting smoking, diet and exercise, relationships, and so on. 

Why not both “better” AND “different”?  Because these are two separate focuses of motivations. 

“Better” is a relief-seeking motivation stemming from accrued consequences (physical issues, relationship woes, cravings, poor self-esteem issues, etc.) while “different” is a fundamental change in lifestyle.  Resolutions based on “better” will, sooner or later, collapse under the weight of old thinking, beliefs, and habits when you start feeling better.  The momentum is lessened and unsustainable. 

Resolutions based on “different” will fundamentally change our thinking, beliefs, and habits leading to permanent changes in our lives.  This requires time and hard work in all phases of our lives:  mind, body, and spirit.  "Better," or relief, happens when become the "difference" you are working toward achieving.

Becoming "different" is freedom.

It really is up to you! So, for your New Year’s resolution, ask yourself: is my core motivation just to be “better” and gain “relief,” or to truly become “different?”